“One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay. (Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own. (Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
You’re lucky I’m bored and can’t sleep haha!
1. How many bruises on you right now? Loads haha
2. You talked to an ex today, correct. Nope
3. Have you stayed in a hospital? Nope
4. Is trust a big issue for you? Yes
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? I did indeed
6. What are you excited for? Going on holiday
7. What happened tonight? Nothing exciting
8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted. Nope
9. Is confidence cute? Yeah
10. What is the last beverage you had? Water
11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? One
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? Yes
13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? Going out I think
14. What are you going to spend money on next? Trains
15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? Yes
16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months. Doubt it
17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? My boyfriend
18. The last time you felt broken. Last week
19. Have you had a soft drink today? Yes
20. Are you starting to realize anything? Yes
21. Are you in a good mood? Kinda
22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks. Nope
23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? I think so
24. What do you want right this second. To sleep
25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? I’d be raging
26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Kinda, I am naturally blonde just not this light
27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Nope
28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? Abbie
29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? Yes
30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? No
31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? Nope
32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? Yeah
33. Are you one of those people who never drinks water. Nope
34. Listening to? Silence
35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore. Sometimes
36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? In his flat
37. Do you believe in love at first sight? No
38. Who did you last call. Ashley
39. Who was the last person you danced with? Can’t remember haha
40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? Because I felt like it?
41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake. Aaaaages ago
42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? Nope
43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? All the time
44. Do you tan? Yeah
45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? Nope
46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? Yeah
47. Who was the last person to call you? Abbie
48. Do you sing in the shower. Yeah
49. Do you dance in the car? Depends who I’m in a car with
50. Ever used a bow and arrow? Nope
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? 2011
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? Nope I like them
53. Is Christmas stressful? Linda
54. Ever eat a pierogi. A what?
55. Favorite type of fruit pie. Apple
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A vet haha
57. Do you believe in ghosts. Yeah
58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yeah
59. Take a vitamin daily? Nope
60. Wear slippers. Nope
61. Wear a bath robe? Nope
62. What do you wear to bed? Depends
63. First concert. S club 7 hahaha
64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart. Walmart
65. Nike or Adidas. Neither
66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Fritos
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Neither
68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? Every single one of them
69. Ever take dance lessons? I used to
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing. Nope
71. Can you curl your tongue? Yeah
72. Ever won a spelling bee? Nope
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yeah
74. What is your favorite book? I have far too many
75. Do you study better with or without music? With
76. Regularly burn incense. Nope
77. Ever been in love. Yes
78. Who would you like to see in concert? All time low again!!
79. What was the last concert you saw? All time low!!!
80. Hot tea or cold tea. Neither
81. Tea or coffee. Neither
82. Favorite type of cookie? Chocolate
83. Can you swim well? Yeah
84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose. Yeah
85. Are you patient. Sometimes
86. DJ or band, at a wedding? Idk
87. Ever won a contest. Nope
88. Ever have plastic surgery?nope
89. Which are better black or green olives? Neither
90. Opinions on marriage? Meh
91. Best room for a fireplace? Idk
92. Do you want to get married I’m not too bothered tbh
There ya go ☺
Deep Red - I’m in love with you. Red - I love you. Pink - I think you’re cute. Blue - You’re amazing. Rose - You’re pretty Purple - You’re hot. Plum - I would fuck you. Violet - I would date you. Aqua - I could stay on your blog for hours. Lavender - You are my tumblr crush. Orange - I want to get to know you. Tangerine - We have a lot in common. Amber - I wish you would notice me. Cream - I don’t talk to you but I really love your blog
all time low are amazing because their happy songs make me want to go to the beach and play drinking games with friends and fall in love and live my life but then their sad songs aren’t so much sad as they remind me that having faults makes me human and that i can function just as well with them i love all time low
“Cheating is NOT a mistake.
If you’re truly in love with someone, you will not be able to kiss someone else without tasting your loved ones tears stain your lips. You will not be able to take your clothes off for someone else without feeling like a field ripped bare to its soil. Cheating is a choice, its a choice you made because you obviously didn’t give a single fuck about your relationship.”—(via a-sleeping-perspective)
you say you want to die but, you still put that seat belt on and look both ways before crossing the street you lock your windows and doors you would scream if someone was following you late at night you would run for your life but you do want to die you just want to die on your own terms.
im in one of those periods in my life where i cant focus on anything i cant finish an assignment i cant listen to one song for more than 5 seconds i cant sit through a tv show episode i cant finish a book i cant write a story
all i can do is stare blankly at the wall and wish i had something to do but everything i could do or want to do is just supremely unsatisfying